Messages
by ariadne melody
Summary: A variation on 3.1. Elena's birthday is coming up, and she attempts to avoid it by hiding out at the lake-house. Someone unexpected arrives.
1. Chapter 1

**AN**: This is just an alternate version of 3.1/episodes so far. Warning: there's some stuff about suicide, so if you're sensitive to that particular topic you might not want to read. I'll have an update for "Goodbye Until Tomorrow" fairly soonish, I hope.

* * *

><p>For a while she's able to keep it together, at least in public. She's able to answer questions readily and politely, calmly talk to neighbors and distant friends, even able to fake with closer friends. So what if the circles under her eyes deepen or her smile becomes a ghost of its former self? It's to be expected after yet more family deaths, another double funeral. For all those watching, Elena Gilbert is doing surprisingly well under the circumstances.<p>

She hides from those who could detect otherwise, Jeremy and Bonnie and Caroline, avoiding them whenever she feels like she's going to lose it, fighting those moments hard because Elena can't let herself break down. Of course, it's not like they can't tell what's going on with her, that they ignore what's going on or not try to help. They do, from trying to talk to her, trying to cheer her up and make her smile a real smile. Caroline and Bonnie take her shopping, bring lots of food and laughter to a dreary house. Alaric tries too, making Elena and Jeremy regular meals and staying in their house despite his own misgivings. It's just that nothing works.

Maybe it was fear, fear that if she broke down now, without Stefan, Elena wouldn't be able to recover. Maybe it's because of Stefan's absence, on top of everything else that makes Elena feel like this, like she's falling constantly, losing control and has to take whatever control she can get, even if it's only ordering herself to not cry. Maybe if she could go to Stefan right now, she'd be able to let go of all the emotions and doubts and fears that have been weighing her down ever since the last double family funeral.

And then, suddenly, as if it's a cosmic joke, it's almost her birthday. Caroline suggests they go drinking and dancing somewhere far, far away, while Bonnie's all for a low-key slumber party with as much ice cream as the freezer could hold. Elena tries to smile at their efforts, but says nothing, preferring to avoid the subject altogether.

When her birthday is just a couple of days away, Elena wakes up long before her alarm goes off. For a while she remains still, although she learned in the first few weeks after her parents' deaths that going back to sleep once reality hits isn't possible. Still, she tries to go back to go back to the first moments of waking up from sleep, when she could still believe that Jenna and John are alive and Stefan's there, his arm slung around her waist. Part of her hates that Stefan's absence affects her so much, and that she should be fine on her own. And okay, it is a little pathetic that everyday she leaves a new voicemail and text on his phone; by now Klaus has probably stolen the phone from Stefan and tossed it in a dumpster somewhere. Still, it's become a comfortable ritual by now, one she needs to get through the day.

"Hi Stefan," she says that morning, her voice scratchy and soft. "It's me. Again. I hope you're all right."

Formalities out of the way, she sighs and shifts against the pillow. "My birthday's in a couple of days, on Monday. Well, Caroline wants to make a big deal about it and she's been planning something- she always has this look on her face and makes a big deal about me "sneaking up" on her. Not that that makes any sense, with her hearing.

"I haven't told Caroline this, and I know I should, but I don't want to do anything for my birthday. I don't want a party or dinner or anything. I was thinking about going to the lake-house, just spending some time there. I know, I know, totally silly and unsafe and whatever, but maybe I'll just go anyways. Go and, I don't know, meditate or read or whatever.

"Well. Um. It's been pretty quiet around here. And I- I love you, Stefan. I'm looking for you, but- we'll keep looking. No matter what. I love you. I love you, Stefan."

Elena ends the call, lets the phone fall back onto the bed. She needs a moment before thinking about getting ready for the day.

She tries to keep the messages short enough so the voicemail wouldn't fill up; logically, by now it should be and yet she still gets through. The thought is enough to give her some hope that Stefan's listening. Although it's probably just a fool's hope, she can't help herself.

At lunch with Caroline, Bonnie, and Tyler (for some reason he's been hanging around them a lot lately; rather, he's been hanging around _Caroline_ a lot), Elena just picks at her food; Bonnie raises an eyebrow at this but doesn't say anything.

"No way," Caroline declares. "I refuse to see it."

"Come on Care," Tyler laughs. "It'll be fun."

"Fun?" Caroline scowls. "You go to your psycho killer movie and I'll see something happy so I won't have a nervous breakdown."

"You'd have the most organized breakdown ever."

"Can you be organized about a breakdown?"

As they chat, Elena finds herself drifting in and out of the conversation. Selfish, yes, self-involved, definitely, but she can't stop herself from wondering about Stefan, thinking about where he is right now.

"Earth to Elena!" Caroline says as they walk to their cars. "Hello?"

"Sorry," Elena replies. "Um. What's the deal with you and Tyler?"

"What? We're just friends," Caroline says rather defensively and Elena gives her a look. "We are! Why does everyone keep asking me what our deal is?"

"No reason," Elena bit her lip and almost smiled. Something was definitely going on between Caroline and Tyler.

Caroline shrugs. "So, about this weekend. I was thinking, with the party being on Monday, we'd have some sort of girls' weekend, do some shopping, visit a salon or two..."

"Actually," Elena feels awkward and terrible, knowing she should have brought this up sooner. "That's incredibly sweet of you, and you have been such a fantastic friend lately, but I think I have to get away for a while. Alone. Just for the weekend," she hurries to finish.

"That's actually understandable," Caroline says softly, giving her that sad expression Elena's come to know so well lately. "Where do you want to go?"

"The lake house. And I'm sorry, I know I should have said something before-"

"No worries," Caroline waves her hand. "And no need to apologize. Go."

* * *

><p>Elena pulls the blanket over her knees and stares out over the lake. The rain feels unbearably appropriate, as does the slight chill in the air. Leaning back against the cushion and tapping her pen on the page, she tries to will herself to write. Lately her entries have taken on a repetitive tone, one that's bleak, lost, angry, confused, and so far today's entry remains blank.<p>

Maybe she'll write later. She sets her journal aside and picks up Jane Eyre, hoping to get lost in another world, if only for a little while.

Later, after checking in with everyone, Elena lounges on the couch, listening to music. It's been a quiet birthday weekend so far, one spent missing people, those she'll never see again and those she'll see in a few days. She's not sure which category Stefan's in, or if he even belongs to one. A quiet birthday weekend- strange. When she was little there were always big parties, ones her mom had brilliantly orchestrated, usually a trip before or after the big day, and there was always a lavish dinner made by her dad. And the cakes, oh the cakes her dad would make.

She's not sure what makes her look up, look to the window, but somehow she does and her eyes meet Stefan's. _Stefan_.

Elena doesn't hesitate, and runs for the door, half-expecting to find him gone or simply a figment of her imagination; maybe she's finally completely lost her mind and she'll shortly be seeing the ghosts of her parents and Jenna. But he's there, Stefan's there on the porch, hunched over and looking scared as hell. He looks down and then back up at her, as if he was afraid to move, as if he didn't want to scare her, as if he was sure she didn't want to see him, but remaining perfectly still, staring at her.

For a moment, Elena feels like she's frozen on the porch, like someone's placed glue there to cement her shoes in place. Eventually, though, the glue goes away and, on shaking legs she's able to move slowly towards him.

"Is it really you?" she asks softly.

He looks terrible, she realizes. His eyes are haunted and frightened and sad and lost and alone.

"I'm sorry," he whispers and she can barely hear him. "I'm so sorry."

Gently, she touches his face and he flinches away. Elena bits her lip but touches his face again.

"Come inside," she finds herself saying. When he doesn't move she kisses him lightly on the lips. "Come on, Stefan. It's all right."

Elena helps Stefan change from his drenched clothes, noting how stiffly he's moving, how hesitant he seems in his movements. She practically has to force him into her parents' bedroom to change, and helps him undress, her fingers fumbling with the buttons. It's uncomfortable, being so intimate after so long, and Elena's eyes take in his body, noting new scars on his torso and arms, fighting her natural instinct to touch the faded wounds. For his part, Stefan still seems somewhat frozen. While the man in front of her looks like Stefan, has his hair and stunning green eyes, his eyes no longer carry their familiar spark, but are bleak and weary and hopeless.

"Want some tea?" she asks, her voice far too loud and high. She leads him to the kitchen, goes about making tea, glancing continuously at him. He's not hurt- well, not physically- but he's so distant, seems so lost. He can't seem to look at her anymore, instead ducking his head and studying the floor.

She has a million questions- well, actually a lot more than a million questions. If only there were a million questions, and if only she could figure out which one to blurt out first. Yet if she started questioning him now, the questions would likely jumble together and only confuse both of them. While sipping her tea (burning her tongue in the process), Elena studies Stefan closely, getting no hint whatsoever about what's happened. Surely his being here means something happened to Klaus, but maybe that's too much to hope for. Maybe Klaus is watching them right now and smiling to himself, cackling with glee over how this will play out- it could only end in blood and tears. And a couple of deaths, because that's the only thing she and Klaus have in common, that people die around them.

The clock moves, the tea's gone cold, and Stefan stands there like a petrified zombie and she still has no clue what's going on.

"Stefan?" she tentatively speaks and gets no reaction. Aside from "I'm sorry" Stefan hasn't spoken. It seems like coming here has taken everything out of him, that coming here used up whatever strength he had.

Elena steps closer to him, slowly touches his shoulder, acting like she's approaching a frightened animal. "Stefan."

Although he tenses at first, his shoulder slightly relaxes, and Elena feels like this is a small triumph.

"Stefan, hey, it's late... well, latish, and I, uh, bet you're tired- I definitely am," she tries to make her voice light and easy, to cover the lump that's lodged in her throat. "So let's just go upstairs, all right?"

Pressing her hand against his back, Elena carefully guides Stefan up the stairs, talking softly all the while in an effort to soothe him. She's pretty sure he's listening, but it might just be wishful thinking. Meanwhile her mind is racing- should she stay with him, crawl into bed besides him and hold close, or should she leave him? What does he want?

"Is this okay?" she chatters nervously as they go into the guest room, the one they stayed in on their past visit. "Do you need anything?"

She kisses his forehead. She doesn't know what's happened. If this is all some sort of evil plan, she's totally playing right into Klaus' hands, but she'll just have to take that chance. Smiling ever-so-slightly, Elena rubbed his cheek, kissed him again before crossing the room to turn off the light.

"Elena," his voice, hoarse and ragged, stops her. He looks directly at her, meeting her eyes for the first time since his arrival. "Thank you."

"Of course," she says, flustered. "Try to get some rest."

"Elena," he repeats softly. "Klaus is dead."

She forgets to breath for a moment, afraid she misheard, afraid of how relieved she feels. "That's- that's good, right?" she says. Stefan nods, just once, and closes his eyes.

As soon as she steps out of the room, Elena starts to freak out. What the hell just happened? Why didn't she question him, make him answer more questions? Of course she knows why she didn't- Stefan's eyes and the slump of his shoulders, the grey color of his skin. Tomorrow, Elena tells herself, I'll make him talk.

She lingers in the upstairs hallway, sinking down besides the door, not wanting to leave Stefan alone. She checks her phone, knowing she should call someone, Damon at the very least, let him know Stefan's here; yet even as she scrolls through various names and numbers, rehearses what to say, Elena knows she won't call, not yet. It's stupid of her, selfish, but until she figures out what's going on, it's just going to stay them, Stefan and Elena. For some reason that seems safest.

Like a nervous parent, Elena checks on Stefan throughout the long night, hovering at the door and studying him. Luckily he seems to be in deep sleep, barely stirring even as the floor creaks noisily beneath her feet. As dawn approaches she double, triple checks to see if he's wearing his ring, and even though she knows he'd had it on last night, she's still uneasy for some reason.

He'll need to eat soon, and Elena finds her mom's sewing kit, takes out a couple of needles. Unsure of how Stefan will feel about drinking her blood, hell, unsure of how she feels about Stefan drinking her blood, she takes the needles upstairs with her.

Stefan's curled in a ball with the covers kicked away, hair sticking up all wild and rumpled, his shirt pulled up to reveal some of his torso and if it weren't for the uneasy, frightened look on his face, Stefan would look completely adorable. As gently as she could, Elena drapes the covers over him and eases next to him, wondering if she should just let him sleep some more.

Suddenly she realizes he's looking at her, deep green eyes staring up at her. Despite her worries she smiles slightly and moves closer to him. "How are you? Do you need anything?" she asks quietly. "Want some blood?"

"I can't," he murmurs.

"Yes, you can," she insists. "Stefan, you look- well, you need to eat."

She gasps slightly as she stabs the needle into her finger (he'll need more than just a few drops, but the needle seems less terrifying than an knife). Stefan looks terrified, of the blood or of how his face changes so quickly, the lines coming across his face and his teeth sharpening and extending.

"It's okay, Stefan," Elena tells him. "It's okay."

That just seems to frighten him more, but he takes her finger and sucks on it almost greedily, making Elena wonder when was the last time he ate.

"Thanks," he whispers when he's done, when he releases her hand and pulls slightly away from her.

She nods, straightens up. "Stefan... are you all right?"

He doesn't answer. Instead, he gazes up at her, looking at her like he's memorizing every inch of her face. "I'm.. I'm tired."

"Okay," Elena nods and reaches to touch his face, stopping when he flinches. "Stefan," she whispers. "What happened to you?"

"Klaus is dead," Stefan murmurs. "I- Elijah killed him."

"How?" Elena asks.

"When I first went with Klaus, he stabbed Elijah with the dagger, left him in Mystic Falls. We'd been traveling for a while and then Klaus decided he needed Elijah for something. We were fighting some werewolves," Stefan's voice was blank and tired, barely containing any emotion in it. "I killed three of them, Klaus and Elijah were busy with the leader, and suddenly Elijah just turned and killed Klaus, just stabbed him with the dagger and ripped his heart out, cut the body up into... I don't know, at least twenty pieces."

Elena stares at him, taking in the words and barely understanding any of them. "And... Elijah?"

"I don't know," Stefan shrugs. "He thanked me for my help and left. I haven't seen him since."

"When?"

"Three weeks ago."

"What?" Elena's voice rose. "You've been free all this time and-"

"I needed to...detox," Stefan sits up, looking away from her. "I wasn't going to come back."

Elena looks at him numbly, waiting for him to continue, biting her already ragged nails.

"After what I did with Klaus? I can't go back, Elena, not to you or anyone in Mystic Falls, not after the things I've done, the people I've killed," he finally looks at her, his eyes empty. "You weren't supposed to see me last night, I was just going to see you one last time-"

"And what, just leave forever?" Elena asks. "Leave Damon? Leave me?"

"Leave everything," Stefan replies, slowly fingering his ring. Elena's eyes widen in horror and she grabs his hand, forcing her fingers around his ring to keep it in place.

"No, no, a million times no," she insists. "You are not taking that ring off, you are not leaving, you are not dying."

Holding her face with one hand, Elena stares into his eyes, not aware of the tears that are slowly running down her face and falling onto Stefan. "Please, Stefan, love, you can't. I love you, you can't do this."

She buries her face in his neck, still grasping his hand in hers, continuing to spew out protests and non-sensical sentences, only dimly aware of Stefan slowly wrapping an arm around her waist. It wasn't much, it was hardly a reassurance that he would change his mind, but it was something.

* * *

><p>After Stefan's admission, Elena doesn't let him leave her sight. When he eventually got out of bed she goes with him, following him downstairs and watching him stare out the window. He still can't seem to look at her, even glancing away from her reflection.<p>

Elena asks quietly, "What did he do to you, Stefan?"

Stefan didn't answer at first and when he does his voice is low and riddled with pain. "I killed people. Tortured them, made them suffer, tricked them, anything. I fed on them. I tore the bodies apart. I did that, Elena, not Klaus."

Her first instinct was to protest, tell Stefan that Klaus had to be behind it all. But she waits, if less than patiently, for him to continue.

"It was all for Damon," Stefan whispers bitterly. "I had to drink human blood and agree to go with him to get the cure. I had to keep killing people to ensure Klaus wouldn't go back and kill Damon..." he broke off for a moment, unable to finish. "I was a good killer."

Slowly Elena goes to him, touching his back. "Stefan, you-"

"Sometimes I though about ending it, after a kill. Once Klaus was trying to find this- warlock, I think- and he made me torture his girlfriend," he shuddered. "She was...she was pregnant."

Elena's heart drops, but she keeps her hand on his back, steadying both of them.

"I killed them," Stefan whispers and Elena leans her head against his back, looping her arm around his waist. "I killed them."

"Stefan-"

He breaks away from her, his eyes wild. "I can't- oh god, Elena- I can't, I have to-"

"Shh," she reaches for him. "Love, it's-"

"It's not okay," he yells and she flinches. "God, Elena, it'll never be okay again."

Stefan grabs his ring and starts to move towards the door; quickly, Elena pulls Alaric's wooden-bullets gun out from the top of the couch and fires it at him, aiming anywhere except his heart. As he fall, a stunned look on his face, Elena rushes to him.

"I'm so sorry, love," she whispers. "I'm so sorry Stefan."

* * *

><p>Elena sits and waits, watching Stefan like the creepy stalker girl she is. For once she's grateful Stefan had been so curious about the secret anti-vampire room in her parents' closet, grateful to have found the chains and other handy supplies. Before she'd always been a little annoyed by it, irritated that Stefan had interrupted what had promised to be a lovely make-out session (and much more) to play detective. Now she has to admit the room's handy- there's no way for sunlight to get in and Stefan's chained to the wall so when he wakes up he can't, or at least, he shouldn't be able to, make any more sudden suicide attempts.<p>

She should probably call reinforcements, call Damon at the very least, but it's the same as earlier; Elena's so convinced that Damon would end up saying something to set Stefan off, that Damon would only make things worse if only by accident. Besides, this feels like something she has to get Stefan get through. She's selfish that way.

Elena tells the unconscious man in front of her, "I love you."

To her surprise Stefan raises his head and stares at her. "How?"

"How?"

"How can you still love me?"

Elena simply looks at him. "You have to ask? Stefan- you beat him. You weren't going along for the fun of it, you were doing it to protect your brother. I would have done the same thing."

Stefan scoffs at this; he seriously doubts this and cannot even imagine her doing the things he's done. "I don't think so- I killed people just so I could save myself. That's exactly the opposite of what you were trying to do when Klaus was after you; you were ready to die so others would live. I slaughtered people to save-"

"Damon," Elena interjects. "Me. Everyone you love and care for. You were protecting us."

"Selfish-"

"And killing yourself is so selfless?"

"It's the only thing I can do to-"

"Atone?" Elena finishes. "That's not atoning, you're just giving up and trying to escape-"

"As least I won't hurt anyone."

"Stefan," Elena says softly. "What do you think Damon will do if you die? What will I do-?"

"Have a normal life," Stefan says instantly. "It's what you want, it's what you deserve- family, children. A life, not this fucked-up existence."

Elena stares at him. Yes, a normal life sounds so much better than the messiness that her life's become, but she's long since accepted that, accepted that she can't stop herself from loving Stefan, that even if she wanted to she can't not have him in her life. These months have taught her that, that with all she's lost, she can't lose him.

"Is that what you really think?" she asks. Stefan stares at the floor; honestly he doesn't know, but all he knows is that she's better off without him.

"No, I'm not," Elena says gently, like she just read his mind. "I'm not, Stefan."

Slowly, she slides across the floor to him, coming to kneel in front of him. She strokes her face as she whispers, "Come back, Stefan. Please, just come back. I love you, I love you so much, please just- don't go."

Stefan stares at her, clearly so afraid, afraid of even trying to go back, certain he won't be able to last and he'll wind up hurting someone. Only this time it won't be nameless unfortunate strangers, but people he cares for, people he loves. "I can't."

"Yes, you can," Elena says, her eyes boring into his. "Stefan. You can- I'm not saying it will be easy, but Stefan, you are stronger than this."

She leans in, brushing her lips against his. "I love you."

"I love you," spills out before he can stop himself and he starts crying, doubling over, his tears falling to the ground.

That sets Elena off, and all the tears she's had bottled up erupt as she joins him. She's crying and not just for them, for all that Stefan's been through, but all the victims of Klaus, all the nameless, faceless people who've had their lives destroyed in one way or another. All her emotions, pent up for so long and hidden behind the bland mask of "I'm fine" come pouring out of her. She curls around him, their tears mixing together, their bodies collapsing against one another, their grief merging.

* * *

><p>Elena manages to open her eyes, though she'd prefer to go on sleeping. Slowly, she takes in her surroundings and frowns, confused. How the hell did she get to her bedroom? What the hell happened? Was the past day just a hallucination?<p>

No. Stefan's besides her, stroking her hair and looking worried beyond belief and completely exhausted.

"You're still here," she whispers, cursing herself for saying something so obvious and stupid. She checks his ring- his ring is still there.

"I tried," he says. "I told myself I would just come here to see you, see you for one last time. Then I told myself I would just stay the night and leave in the morning. I told myself I'd get you upstairs and I tried to leave but... I can't, Elena, I can't leave you again. I should, you'd be safer, you'd be better off, but I can't."

"I'm not asking you to forgive yourself right away," Elena tells him quietly. "I know it takes time- I still haven't forgiven myself for my parents, or Jenna or John. But you can learn how to live with the pain and the guilt. It's hard as hell, but... well, you know."

Stefan ducks his head. "I... I'll try."

She knew it was the best he could do at the moment, and doesn't press him. Instead, Elena asks something that's been bugging her all day. "How'd you know I was here?"

"Your last message," he smiles, a shadow of the old grin that would light up on his face sometimes when they were alone. "You said you were thinking of coming here, so... I came here."

"You got my messages?"

"All of them," Stefan moves his hand, almost as if to grab hers but stops himself. "Klaus took my phone, but I was able to call the voicemail, get the messages. You- they kept me going, Elena, those moments when I thought, when I thought I couldn't go on your messages kept me alive. I just... I called your phone a couple of times-"

"I knew it," Elena sat up and faces him. "I knew it was you."

"Just hearing your voice, knowing you and Damon and everyone were safe, that meant everyone," he forces himself to look at her. "So I did everything Klaus told me to do."

Elena grasps his hand and squeezes it. "Do you remember what I said, however many months ago? I don't want to be apart, Stefan, not anymore, not ever."

She knows what she's saying, implying, they both know what her words really mean. Stefan looks at her and thinks that despite her tearstained face and deep circles under her eyes, the messy hair, maybe because of all of that, she's the most beautiful woman he's ever seen or ever will see. In that moment, hearing her ask him to stay, really stay, confirm what he knew the moment he tried to leave, perhaps what'd he known all along, that Elena is the woman he will be happy, joyous to spend the rest of his life with. Just as Elena knows that despite the pain, despite all the deaths and violence, they could get through that, that she needs Stefan in her life.

Stefan asks, his voice thick with emotion, "Are you sure?"

"I love you," Elena answers.

"I love you," he says and this time he's more than willing to let the words out. As before, they fall against each other, Elena burying her face against Stefan's chest and then Stefan pulls her on top of them and their lips meet and Stefan kisses her, really kisses her, for the first time in months. It's not enough for Elena- one kiss from Stefan will never be enough for Elena.

It's only later that she asks sleepily, "Wait. You were chained. How did you-?"

A sheepish expression comes across his face. "Well, they are kind of old..."

Elena strokes his chest. "You didn't break a wall, did you?"

"Uh..."

"It's okay," Elena smiles. "I'm glad you did."

On Monday afternoon, as planned, Elena packs up her stuff, ready to head back to Mystic Falls. This time Stefan insists on carrying her bag to the car, putting it carefully in the backseat as if it contained gold or jewels rather than dirty clothes.

"You ready?" Elena asks, locking the door and hopping down the steps. "We can take another day or two-"

"It's okay- I'll be okay," Stefan reassures her. "Besides," he says with a small smile, "don't you think Caroline would kill you if you missed your own birthday party?"

Elena groans, stopping in front of Stefan. "I'm still not looking forward to that."

"Oh come on," Stefan rubs her hip. "There'll be presents..."

"I already got the best present," Elena says softly, leaning up to kiss him as she wraps her arms around him. "You."

Keeping their hands clasped, they get into the car and start driving, back to regular life, back to family and friends, back to Mystic Falls. Back to home.


	2. Chapter 2

He thought that now he would be okay. Maybe not completely fine or back to normal, but at least somewhat on the way back to normality and his old life; obviously, the guilt would still be there (it would always be there), but the guilt and pain would be bearable now. Stefan could manage them instead of crumbling beneath them.

"You're nervous," Elena stated softly. She reached for his hand and Stefan jumped slightly. He's still getting used to her touch, re-learning the feel of her fingers intertwined with his, realizing over and over that he wasn't imaging the softness of her hand. This was real, not the dreams that had kept him going, Elena really was besides him holding his hand.

"More like terrified," Stefan confessed. Elena glanced at him quickly before focusing on the road again. He explained, "I guess I'm just worried about seeing everyone again."

"Everyone meaning Damon?" Elena's hand tightened around his. They hadn't talked much about Damon or what Stefan thought about seeing him again.

"Just... everyone," he exhaled and closed his eyes.

"Stefan," she murmured, "we don't have to go back today."

She'd said that before at the lake-house and truthfully Stefan almost wanted to ask Elena to turn around and drive in the opposite direction, returning to the quiet comforts of the lake-house, the peace and privacy. Maybe that would be better instead of plunging back into the "normal" life of Mystic Falls.

No. He could do this, he needed to do this for Elena. Stefan brought Elena's hand to his lips, kissing it lightly as he murmured, "We have a party to get to, right?"

She laughed quietly as his tongue tickled the palm of her hand. "With a cake and everything."

Still, Elena watched Stefan out of the corner of her eye and wondered if Stefan was really up for returning home, or if he was just trying to appear fine for her sake, not wanting to ruin her birthday. That would be just like him, she thought, and yet her birthday really couldn't be ruined, now that he's back.

Initially they had debated about whether they should call people ahead of time rather than spring the Stefan surprise on them, but in the end they didn't call or text, as if neither of them wanted to tempt faith, as if they thought that if they called an accident would surely happen.

Stefan tensed the instant the Salvatore house came into view and Elena squeezed his knee, tried to think of something comforting to say as they pulled into the driveway.

"Welcome home," she told him. Gently she began rubbing the back of his neck and watched the emotions dance across his face; she still couldn't entirely believe that he was really there, that they had spent the morning talking a little and kissing a lot, that for the first time in ages she hadn't left a message with the foolish hope that somehow, somewhere, he was listening.

"I didn't think I'd see this place again," Stefan said quietly. "This house, this town. Damon. You. I thought I had to let go of that life."

"You're here now," Elena ran her hand through his hair. "You survived and now we can-,"

She stopped talking, not really sure where she was going. Pick up where they left off? Start over again?

"I love you," Stefan said and Elena smiled, hugging the words close and relishing the sound of them.

"Love you," she whispered and leaned closer, her lips finding his. What started as a light kiss grew in heat and passion, Elena pulling Stefan's hair and Stefan tracing her legs (for once he can appreciate the heat because the cut-off shorts she wore were, in his opinion, truly wonderful). She somehow ended up in Stefan's lap and his hands slid underneath her tank top, working up her spine and she moaned, rocking against him.

They wouldn't have stopped if Damon hadn't tapped on the window.

"So the wanderer returns." His tone was casual and dry, but his eyes were wild, crazier than normal as he stared at them, at Stefan especially as they got out of the car, flushed and flustered.

"Hi," she said and regretted it immediately.

Stefan said nothing, his hand finding hers and holding it tightly. The brothers seemed to engage in some kind of staring context, or perhaps they were trying some kind of mind-meld, Elena wasn't sure. Either way it made her uneasy.

Evidently Stefan passed the test. "Welcome back, brother," Damon said cooly.

* * *

><p>It was surprising to see Alaric in the Salvatore living room; Elena honestly can't remember the last time she'd seen him in the daylight-normally she heard him stumbling in close to dawn.<p>

"Stefan," Alaric sounded surprised and he glanced at Damon, looking a little uneasy. "This is, uh, a surprise. A nice one."

"Good to see you Rick," Stefan nodded. Elena's glad to see he doesn't look quite as nervous as before.

They talk for a little while, Stefan filling them in on Klaus's demise. He didn't mention the deaths, his detox, or his suicide plans, and neither did Elena, figuring it's not the time or place. Besides, it's not her story to tell. She rubbed his back and Stefan's fingers slipped through her hair, fisting it and then letting it slide through his fingers; they haven't been able to stop touching each other, afraid that if they stop the other will disappear, this time for forever.

Eventually the interrogation ended and Elena and Stefan headed upstairs, still hand-in-hand. She watched as he took in his bedroom; he wandered around and picked up random objects, a book, a sweatshirt, a photograph of the two of them grinning like mad. He looked at that for a long time and Elena wrapped her arms around him, resting her chin on his shoulder as she looked at the photograph, laughing a little because they look so ridiculously happy and it seemed like so long ago, that day on the football field. It's amazing to think of how much they've been through, what they've survived, and that they're still just as happy together. Maybe even more now.

"I'm home," Stefan murmured and Elena kissed his ear as she whispered, "Yes, you are."

Stefan's exhausted, falling asleep within minutes of lying down on the bed, his bed, and Elena watched him, smiling when his nose twitched. She didn't want to wake him up but she can't help herself, stroking his chest and planting light butterfly kisses on his face; he's doing incredibly well, she thought, and she burrowed closer to him, settling her hand on his arm and breathing him in. Honestly, she's not sure if she's up for a birthday party, but she's too lazy and content to think of calling Caroline and anyways, she doesn't want to disappoint Caroline.

Someone's staring at her and Elena reluctantly looked up and found Damon at the foot of the bed.

"What-" she started to say, but he cut her off with an impatient look and a "come here" gesture. Sighing slightly and rolling her eyes, Elena reluctantly got up, planting another kiss on Stefan's cheek before leaving the room.

"What is it?" she asked as they walked downstairs, but Damon didn't answer, didn't even look at her.

They walked quickly through the living room and went into a small room, one Elena hadn't been in before and she gasped, staring at the maps pinned to the wall, the newspapers spread around the room.

"I thought you weren't looking for him," Elena said softly. The maps had sticky notes attacked to them, the reports all had headlines about animal attacks and suspicious deaths. Alaric's standing in the corner, staring at her with a concerned look and Elena suddenly knew what this was about, what they're worried about.

"Stefan told me," she spoke. "He told me everything. The people he attacked, the ones he tortured, the ones he killed. His victims. I know about them."

"We assumed that," Alaric said gently. "This isn't entirely about that."

"Okay," Elena picked up a pen and began to play with it, unable to remain still.

"How do you know he's not pretending?" Alaric asked.

"He's not," Elena responded.

Damon leaned close to her. "You don't know what Stefan's like when he's on human blood-sure, you had a glimpse of it, but that little slip-up was nothing compared to other times. He's manipulative as hell. He's fools people, makes them see what they want to see, and then he kills them."

"What Damon's _trying_ to say is that Stefan can't necessary be trusted right now," Alaric interrupted, giving Damon a look.

Elena snapped the pen's cap in half. "Look, he detoxed. I practically had to force him to eat at all. We talked about it, and he's still going to drink human blood, but only a little bit everyday-"

"And what if he's lying?" Damon hissed. "What if he tries to hurt you?"

"He wanted to die, Damon," Elena fought to keep her voice low and even. "He tried to kill himself and I had to shoot him with vervain to stop him. He told me he couldn't live with himself and now-he seems fine, he seems better, but it would be so easy for him to slip back into that mode."

She's trying hard not to cry, remembering the past weekend. "Stefan went with Klaus to save _you_, Damon. Even after he got the antidote Klaus kept threatening your life, threatened to come back here and kill you if Stefan didn't go along with him. No, it doesn't excuse what he did, but-"

"I hope that bastard died a really painful death," Alaric muttered. Damon just stared at her, seemingly at a loss for words.

She sighed and murmured softly, "He won't be the same, maybe not ever. But we're his family, we can't just let him go."

Maybe she's foolish to believe that everything will be all right again, but Elena's never been one to give up on easily (most of the time, anyways). She went to Damon, touching his shoulder as she urged, "Talk to him, Damon."

He looked nervous as hell, like talking to his brother would be worse than fighting an original or even dying, and for all Elena knows maybe it is. Still, he nodded brusquely and left the room, and she sank into a chair while she stared at the maps.

"So. You gonna tell me how the hell you managed to forget to tell me what you were up too?" she demanded.

Alaric looked sheepish and began talking about the heat wave, a complete change in subject that made Elena laugh even as she listened to Damon's footsteps on the creaking stairs, wishing she had vampire hearing for listening in and knowing that their conversation was the last thing she should listen to.

* * *

><p>He's still not quite sure that this is right, part of him still thought that leaving life for good would be the best, but with Elena's lips on his neck it's hard to feel anything else except gratefulness and love. Stefan tells her that as he leaned into her and he could hear her tears and feel her smile.<p>

It's still unbelievable to Stefan that Elena's so willing to touch him after everything-hell, that she's even willing to look at him. She fussed over him a bit, constantly asking him if he's all right, if he's hungry or tired, reaching for his hand to reassure him, leading him to the bed and curling against him as she told him to sleep. Being in his bed again with Elena's legs folded over his felt so good, he could easily stay there forever.

When he was away he dreamt about her, awake or asleep; he'd be leaning against the wall, watching Klaus interrogate someone and he'd drift away, Elena tugging on his ears and kissing him, a more than pleasant diversion from reality.

He hadn't planned on ever seeing her again; after everything he's done, even looking at the remains of Klaus's body and knowing that Damon and Elena were safe wasn't enough to give Stefan hope that everything would be okay. All Stefan could see where the lifeless bodies, the ones he drained of life and tore apart, and he seemed to be drowning in them, in the lives he destroyed and it only got worse as he detoxed. The darkness closed in around him and he didn't want to bring that to his family, his friends. They deserved, needed, so much better.

In the end he couldn't stay away. He listened to Elena's messages and loved her even more as he hated himself worse than ever. He told himself he couldn't see her again and yet he went to the lake-house an didn't run away when she saw him. In the end he simply wasn't able to leave her.

As Stefan woke, he knew he was home and that he was alone, and he's already missing her, already used to her presence besides him. It couldn't be this easy to fall back into his old life, can it? There had to be a catch. Still, Stefan smiled and sat up, getting used to feeling hopeful and content again. His room. His life. Maybe it wasn't too late to put the pieces of his life back together.

Then he noticed Damon lurking and the apprehension returned; a conversation with his brother wasn't exactly something he was looking forward to.

"Damon," Stefan nodded.

Damon stared at him. "Why'd you go along with Klaus?"

It really wasn't something Stefan wanted to get into. "I had to," he said uncomfortably, staring at the window.

"Had to," Damon repeated. "Your need to be a martyr can get really fucking annoying, Stefan. Did it ever occur to you that you should stop trying to save me?"

The room felt too tight and close, like there wasn't enough space for the two of them and Stefan's throat was dry, he couldn't think, didn't want to do this now.

"So I was just supposed to let you die?" he whispered.

Damon shrugged. "Let's face it, without me your life's a whole lot better. No me screwing up and making your life a living hell, no impulsive messes you have to clean up," he looked at Stefan slyly. "No more worrying about me stealing your girl. All you had to do was let me go and you'd get the perfect, peaceful life just like you always wanted."

Stefan's fists were clenched. "Because I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I didn't try to save you."

"And you can live with yourself now?" Damon asked. "I've been tracking you, following all the animal attacks and disappearances. You and Klaus racked up a pretty impressive number, and who knows how many I missed. And do you have any fucking clue what you did to Elena." Something in his voice cracked and they looked away from each other because that's a box neither of them were anywhere near ready to open even though they should. Damon cleared his throat. "Hope it was worth it," he muttered as he walked to the door, "saving my life."

He left before Stefan could say anything, probably a good thing because Stefan doesn't have any idea what to say; he knew he should find it easy to say that yes, it was all worth it, but a tiny voice protested this, wondering if it really had been worth it.

Of course it was, Stefan told himself. Of course it was.

* * *

><p>When Elena came upstairs Stefan was still staring out the window and she paused, disturbed by the look on his face because it's too similar to how he had looked at the lake-house, painfully drawn and frightened.<p>

"Hey," she whispered and sat next to him, leaning against him. She brought his hand to her lips to kiss.

He began shaking and her heart dropped. "Honey?"

"I shouldn't have left like that," Stefan whispered. "I shouldn't have left you like that, I should have-"

"Stefan," Elena tried to stop him. "Baby-"

"I should have fought harder, I should have been there," he's babbling now and Elena crawled into his lap, holding his face and forcing him to look at her as she said over and over, "It's okay, Stefan, love, please, it's okay."

Eventually he calmed, holding her close, both of them crying.

"I'll never be able to make up for what I've done," Stefan said, his voice hoarse and tight. "Not to my victims, not to you."

"You will," Elena told him, her fingers rubbing his shirt.

"Not to you."

"You're here now," she whispered. "That's a start."

Elena kissed him, tasted his tears on her lips, trying to let him know how much she loved him because she wasn't sure words would be enough now. They kissed, soft and slow, and then she's looking up at him, her back against the mattress; he hovered over her, his eyes frightened and needy, loving and lusty. Then their lips came crashing together, kisses all open and greedy, their tongues meeting in the middle as she's pulling his body down completely against hers, wanting as much contact as possible. So much to make up for.

Her phone rang and Elena groaned, Stefan's lips moving to her neck and he mumbled, "It could be important."

It's a text from Caroline. "Ready to party?"

Elena groaned again. "The party."

Stefan's lips were so close to hers. "Right, the party."

"We have time," Elena smirked and ran her hands over his back. "You don't have to go if you don't feel like it..."

Although, considering it was going to be at his house it'd be kind of hard for him to miss it.

Stefan tilted his forehead against hers. "Like I could miss your birthday party."

She's smiling when their lips met again.

* * *

><p>Elena stared at her reflection. For the first time in ages she didn't look completely exhausted and drained; a little smile was playing on her lips and her cheeks were still flushed from earlier. Stefan's still in the shower and if it weren't for the fact that her hair's done she'd probably join him and she smirked at the thought, touching the spot behind her ear where Stefan's lips had been attached not so long ago.<p>

"Thought you'd forgotten how to do that," Damon's voice traveled in from where he stood in the doorway.

Elena turned to him, the smile still on her face. "I haven't exactly had a lot to smile about."

"Well, now you do cause ding dong the bastard's dead," Damon smiled slightly. "That, and the prodigal son returns. Hope you're happy now."

"I am," Elena told him quietly.

Damon nodded, giving her a look that she had to look away from. She expected him to say something about Stefan, maybe talk again about human blood but instead Damon simply held something to her and said, "Happy birthday, Elena."

It's her necklace. "I thought that was lost," she said, her voice hoarse.

"Rick found it in his apartment. Katherine must have dumped it there," Damon informed her and she took the necklace from him, turned it over in her hands. There's a silly little smile on her face now, and she looked at Damon with shining eyes, "Thank you," she said just as Stefan came out, a towel slung low on his hips.

"Damon and Rick found my necklace," Elena murmured as she hugged Stefan. He fisted her hair and looked at Damon, mouthing, "Thank you" because no matter how many times his older brother might irritate or anger him Stefan knew he would never stop be able to stop trying to save him.

He put the necklace on Elena, kissing her neck when he's done and she leaned against him, her hand finding his.

This wasn't a party, it was an out-of-control rave.

Elena, Stefan, and Damon stood at the top of the staircase gazing at the sea of people both inside and outside, all more than a little drunk and all very loud.

"I should have known," Elena muttered. Caroline's idea of a "small" birthday party had never quite matched other people's standards of small; even in first grade Caroline had had tons of people over for cake and pinatas, ordering everyone around like a seasoned general.

Elena turned to Stefan, an anxious expression on her face. "If it's too many people for you-"

"Too late," Damon muttered. "Angry vampire Barbie at twelve o'clock."

Caroline stood at the foot of the stairs, looking gorgeous and terrifying as they went to meet her. "And you were going to tell me about this _when_?" she demanded.

Damon slipped away, practically cackling as Elena stumbled, "Um, I should have, I know, I'm sorry, but we, um, we were-"

"Hi Caroline," Stefan smiled slightly.

She directed her gaze to him. "You're not evil?"

"Uh, no."

"This isn't some sort of evil plot by Klaus?"

"He's dead and no."

"Good. Did you apologize to Elena for abandoning her and not telling her you were alive and for generally making her completely miserable?"

"Yes, but I'll never be able to apologize enough to her."

A smile finally cracked Caroline's face and she flung her arms around him. "Welcome back."

They had gotten separated, Elena pulled into a group of old cheerleading friends, and Stefan wandered through the throng of people, feeling uneasy and more than a little shaky. He hadn't been around this many people since he'd gone off of human blood. It's overwhelming to be surrounded by this many beating hearts, to be this close to so much blood and he's shaking a bit, felt like he needed Elena's voice to calm him but he can't always rely on Elena. He can't constantly pull her away from her friends and life just because he felt like he couldn't handle things, it wouldn't be fair to her.

Then he smelled it, fresh blood and despite knowing he shouldn't Stefan followed the scent. The sweet, seductive blood slowly trickled onto the grass from a girl's foot, someone Stefan thought he recognized from school, but right now she only looked like food and the longer he stared, the girl's individual features melted away and she was nothing more than a potential meal and Stefan's face began to change.

Damon suddenly appeared, holding a washcloth and first-aid kit for the girl, apparently really playing up the role of hero and suddenly his eyes locked with Stefan's, eyes narrowing when he saw Stefan's face.

Panic and shame gripped Stefan and he wanted to run away, hide and never see anyone again. He needed to get away from people and couldn't face battling through the crowds so he raced inside, shutting himself away in the dark library; breathing heavily he tried to calm down and focus rather than panic, but all he could think of was how foolish he had been to come back.

"Stefan?"

Matt and Jeremy had apparently discovered where Damon kept his scotch and stared at him. His true face was still visible.

"Get away from me," he tried to growl but it came out as more of a plea.

Matt looked at Jeremy. "Get Elena," he said and as much as Stefan wanted to he didn't protest, didn't stop Jeremy from leaving.

"Want some?" Matt offered him a glass and Stefan gulped it down, hoping it would quash the cravings. "Was there blood or something?"

Stefan just nodded.

"Yeah, you kind of look like Caroline when she freaks out about blood, like you just failed a test or something." Matt sounded far too casual to be talking to someone with the face of a monster. "She does this breathing thing, you know? In and out, deep and slow."

Slowly, Stefan began to mimic Matt, slowly calming down and his face returned to normal even though he was tense and shaking: Matt kept talking, easily chattering on about football and keeping his tone light and loose, clearly trying to keep Stefan calm.

The door burst open and Elena, Damon, Jeremy, Tyler, and Caroline burst into the room. He's vaguely aware of all of them talking at once, Caroline's voice particularly shrill and uneasy, but it's Elena's voice he focused on, her eyes and her words, her arms folding around him as she murmured, "You're okay, it's okay Stefan."

She hated seeing him like this and rubbed his neck, glad when she heard Caroline decide that they'll end the party now and get everyone out of the house and grounds. If only she'd thought more seriously of canceling the party.

"Baby," she whispered. "What happened?" She had a good idea, thanks to Damon and Jeremy.

"There was blood, I wanted to feed," Stefan stepped away from her. "Even before that I wanted to-"

"But you didn't," Elena moved closer to him, not letting him run away. "You didn't-"

"I would have." Stefan sank onto the couch and Elena followed, holding him tightly and letting him fall against her, stroking his hair and murmuring to him. Damon's the only other one in the room and he said roughly, "If he's been avoiding people that could have added to it."

Elena's throat tightened. She shouldn't have gotten so wrapped up in everything, she should have thought ahead, she should have-

"Don't blame yourself," Damon told her. "It just happened, it's no one's fault. So he'll avoid malls for a while."

"But if I-"

"Elena," Stefan broke in. "I-"

Elena bent her head close to his and they folded together, hands locking together. It'll be like this for awhile, Elena figured, Stefan fighting against the remnants of bloodlust, fighting for control, and all she could do was help him in anyway she could. "I love you."

He peeked up at her, looking so shy and awkward that she almost smiled. "I love you," he whispered and they kissed, soft and slow, Stefan still trying to calm down, telling himself nothing happened. "It's always going to be there, Elena, always."

The pain, the guilt, the blood. He could never really escape them.

She could say something, like maybe he'll get over it, but that would be a lie. "It could become bearable, with time."

His fist tightened around hers. "I'm so sorry."

She doesn't ask what he's apologizing for, knew that it would be that way for awhile, maybe for forever. Resting her head against his Elena closed her eyes and kissed his cheek, knowing that today was only the beginning, that Stefan might have another breakdown and she'd deal with that; for now, though, she's content to just sit with him on the couch, holding his hand, just being close to him again.

For once Stefan woke up before Elena and he smiled, remembering he was home, reveling in Elena's body sprawled against his. He ran his hand across her back, kissed her forehead before slowly getting up and creeping out of the room, already planning the night's events.

She thought she was going to cry when they walked into the dining room; everyone was there-Caroline, Damon, Jeremy, Matt, Tyler, Alaric, and by way of Skype, Bonnie-and there was cake on the table. When they began singing an extremely robust and slightly off-key Happy Birthday she did begin to cry, her hand tightening around Stefan's as she blew out the candles.

Elena's quiet as they demolish the cake, happy to just sit and listen to everyone. The guys get Damon and Stefan to talk about old Super Bowl games, a subject Stefan seemed only too happy to discuss, while Caroline rolled her eyes and Bonnie complained about not being able to eat her share of cake. It's a lot like her birthday last year, her first one without her parents; she hadn't wanted to celebrate and spent most of the day hiding in the cemetery writing, reading, and mopping, getting home late to find that Jeremy and Jenna had made her a cake and she spent the entire night crying.

"You okay?" Stefan whispered.

"I'm going to be," Elena said and kissed him.

It's past midnight when they stumbled up to her bedroom, laughing as they kissed, Stefan's hands tugging at her shirt. They landed on the bed, staring at each other and the laughter faded.

"I, uh, only got you one thing," he ducked his head and Elena gave him a look. "You didn't have to get me anything."

"Yes I did."

"Stefan, you being here? That's the best present of all," she says and they're crying and smiling as they kissed yet again, kissing like their lives depended on it.


End file.
